Minty arse lard. Crack cream. Red raw ring remedy. Perineum protector. Orifice ointment. Botty balm. Chafed chalfont chum. Dangleberry doofer. Tooshie tickle cream. Aching ass anesthetiser. Heiney helper. Fu fu friend. Take your pick. There are all manner of potions and lotions on the market designed to protect your private parts and a whole gamut of euphemisms to go with them. As something of a traditionalist when it comes to looking after my undercracker region, I’ve long been a fan of chamois crème whether it comes in the little tub of happiness from Assos or the tube of cheek clenching minty Eurostyle crème. Slap it on generously and ride in comfort as chafing and rubbing are minimised. It’s not exactly rocket science – add a bit of lube to your shorts and you reduce friction. Less friction equals a happy bott bott in my book.
So when I heard that Charlie the Bikemonger was bringing the really rather wonderfully named “Happy Bottom Bum Butter” to the market, I was intrigued. Instead of being a sloppy mass of gloopiness, Bum Butter comes in a small tub that is more perfume counter than bike shop counter. Thankfully, no hydro rejuvenating action liposomes have been killed in the making of this product. Nor cows for that matter, Bum Butter being vegan friendly. Quite why it wouldn’t be I don’t really know but I guess it is reassuring that you are not slapping reconstituted beaks, claws and baws on your nether regions! But just how did Charlie find himself dipping into the cosmetics business? I’ll let him explain.
A pirate and cider you say? Really?
“I was drinking cider with Kevin the pirate down on the quay. He makes natural cosmetics, and after a few too many pints the idea was there, but it floated out to sea and was forgotten. Then we did that again, and then again. And then eventually I actually gave him some established creams, and he checked them out, and then made a natural alternative.
I have used the usual brands of arse cream, and was sure they could be improved. Kevin the pirate explained that they use all sorts of chemicals, and there are better alternatives. Just like in my shop, I don’t sell things I don’t like and trust…. So I needed to make sure Happy Bottom gives you a happy bottom. The ultimate test was cycling across the interior of Iceland with the guys from drunkcyclist.com. Hell it was tough: earthquakes, eruptions, a damned hurricane, but also lots and lots of dust, and far too many bike on shoulders wading freezing river crossings…. And here is the test… ONE PAIR OF PADDED SHORTS FOR 8 DAYS. The results were excellent. I did not catch any bum diseases, no soreness, no problems.”
So take a pirate with expertise in natural cosmetics (he really ought to look like Captain Jack Sparrow) and a cider drinking bike shop owner ET voila! Bum Butter was born.
Having a good look at the label, I have to admit to being utterly confused. What the hell is the difference between essential and non-essential oils? What is Brassica Campestris Oil when it is at home? I suddenly felt as if I was being drawn into one of those fast cut women’s cosmetic adverts where an impossibly glamorous women says that she is too busy to breathe and must moisturise NOW! I’m afraid you will just have to excuse my ignorance and simply allow me to tell you what I think of the product.
In a word, wow! This stuff really works. Unscrewing the lid of the daintily sized jar, there is a lovely smell of cloves (That’ll be the clove oil – Ed). The contents resemble a crumbly crème brule that has been left a bit too long and hardened. Sticking your hand in, the Bum Butter has a slightly lumpy texture to it which feels a little disconcerting when you are used to the silky smoothness of the likes of Assos Chamois Crème. However, applying it directly to skin, it is very quickly absorbed in and doesn’t give you that initial gunged up pants feeling that traditional chamois cremes specialise in.
When I first received the jar, I couldn’t help but think that I might have been fleeced for the thick end of £20. Containing only 100 grams of crème, I came over all Yorkshire and thought “is that all you get?” However, over many rides, I’ve come to appreciate that it doesn’t require large handfuls for it to work effectively. Compared to its competitors, I’ve come to the conclusion that it works just as effectively, probably more so given the lack of chafing which I have experienced since I started using it. Even on 12-hour off road rides, my back end definitely feels less battered and bruised. Win! The jar may seem small but it goes a very long way meaning that from a value perspective, even a Scotsman with short arms and deep pockets could come to appreciate it. One handy unintended consequence of the Tardis like jar is that you can take it with you on rides should you fancy a top up.
Let’s be honest. The idea of testing a cosmetic product instead of the latest carbon Enduro wunder-bike didn’t exactly grab me at first. However, Bikemonger’s Happy Bottom Bum Butter is little short of brilliant. Try it. Your chorus and verse will thank you for it. I was going to award it two thumbs up but the image in my head is just wrong. Pass the mind bleach!